Pastel Black- You keep using that term but it doesn't mean what you think it means.

Unless you live under a rock, you're aware that LLR is in the process of launching their Noir Collection. This is a grouping of clothing (a Capsule) that is all "black". As to quote the official LLR facebook page... "Black. Dark Black. Pitch Black. Pastel Black. Light Black. Faded Black."

Did you catch that? They used the term "pastel black". What in the actual hell is this f*ckery?

This, in my opinion, is LLR's way of calling something by a name that isn't a real name, thus causing confusion... that's kinda their MO now.

Other words and terms LLR has misused includes:

Fashion-forward, high-end, game-changer, trustworthy, stale, and profitable business.

And, to put even more of a damper on this new "collection", I have already personally seen some pictures of the boxes that some retailers received of the Noir Capsule. There were ugly patterns in there. You can make a Dorito-vagina pattern black and white but it is still a Dorito-vagina.

Oh, and remember: LLR won't allow returns of anything in a Capsule. If you read a previous blog post of mine, you will remember my prediction: Everything will be sold in Capsules now- so they can continue to screw y'all over. No, I am not psychic. I am simply observant and a proficient bull crap reader. Additionally, I am betting that they'll consider all black and white (or GREY) pieces as Capsule pieces now- even if they weren't purchased in a Capsule. That's what they do. They make up their own rules. 

So, LLR... you can call it "Pastel Black" all you want, but it's grey.

And, you can call it a game-changer all you want... but ain't nothin' changin' 'bout your business except that thousands of us are onto your shenanigans.

Go ahead and keep misusing words and terms. At least you're making Facebook fun to read.

How The LuLaGrinch Stole Christmas

Let me start by saying this: I detest Wal-Mart. I literally would rather run a marathon with a Lego in my shoe than to take a single step into a Wal-Mart. Please keep this in mid as you read the following...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
The LuLaCult was stirring,
And hiding from Mickey Mouse.

Their "game-changer" hadn't worked,
They'd let everyone down,
They had holes in their asses,
And everyone wore frowns.

And what to our wondering eyes should appear?
But a pair of leggings with high-looking reindeer,

There were leggings with patterns so ugly, it hurt.
And faces of the "layered-one" covering a skirt.

I thought to myself,
"no way in hell I am wearing those."
So I walked my ass to Wal-Mart,
And didn't care that I froze.

I refused to wear patterns that caused my family shame,
And laughed that LLR said they could change the game.

I would rather wear leggings from the Wal-Mart rack,
Than risk Santa Claus seeing my exposed crack.

The Holiday Collection ruined Christmas this year,
But like the Titanic, the end is drawing near."

LLR Makes New Meaning Of The Term, "Living Paycheck To Paycheck"

Read the following with care and please put your Kool-aid down prior to scrolling.

I remember when I was a broke college student, working as a part-time bank teller. I found out real quick how it felt to have $20 to my name until I got my next paycheck. I would get paid, go shopping, look at my account the next day, realize that I had overspent (again) and would be broke until the next payday only to repeat the cycle.

Could this be what LLR is doing? Hear me out. 

We all know (unless you live under a rock) that all hell has broken loose with LLR and their relationship with a shit-ton of their "independent retailers" this year. It seems to me that it's because LLR has reverted back to their college days. They spent their money from the on-boarding of like 80,000 people (and I don't care what they spent it on... a car, a house, plastic surgery, warehouses full of eyeliner...). I am going to assume that a ton of money went to paying out refunds to people running away from the shitshow. Once they spent it, they needed to make more. They needed another paycheck. So, they launched the Halloween and Disney Villain capsules. Ca-ching. They got paid.

But, just like the college days analogy, they instantly needed more money. No, they didn't spend it on fun stuff this time. They spent the money on more refunds and damage from an apparent fire in their "check writing facility" in the warehouse or some shit (nope. I don't believe it either). So, they go ahead and launch their Christmas capsules. Boom. Another paycheck.

Again, though, they overspent. See the cycle? Amazingly enough, there wasn't a fire in the warehouse this time. Their check-writing system is down. (Remember how I said I was a bank teller? Yeah... ummmm... checks can be written by hand. So...) This is the equivalent of telling the electric company that you can't write them a check for your bill this month because you broke your hand. Think about it. This analogy is spot-on when you realize that they're giving the excuse of their machine being down as a reason for owing thousands and thousands (and thousands) of dollars to TONS of people and still not paying them. Wanna know why they're not paying? Because they need another payday. Hence the Elegant capsule. And the (hideous) shoes. And whatever "game-changer" they have up their lacy sleeves.

But what happens when the paychecks stop coming? When I was that broke college kid, I had to quit my job. So, when I only had that $20 in my account, I couldn't count the days until my next paycheck came. I didn't have more coming. Are you picking up what I am putting down? Just like the electric company, shit can't get paid if you have no money. At what point are they going to run out of ideas for shoes, jean jackets, long sweaters, sleeved sweaters, v-neck shirts with short sleeves, ruffled dresses, straight dresses, hole-y leggings, narcissistic leggings, themed-leggings, and so on? Humans only have the need for so much clothing. Clothes aren't supplements. Even Herbalife figured out a way to sell a product with a limited shelf-life, thus creating the need for constant purchasing. Their pyramid seems to be stronger than yours, LLR.

So, you see: the term "living paycheck to paycheck" seems to have a different meaning when you look at it this way. Paychecks are getting smaller and smaller. At what point does the account balance become negative and the house of cards start to crumble?

Are you liking what I have to say? Then like my Facebook page so that you can see all of my asshole-ishness.
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Hey LLR- You're ruining the entire human civilization for eons to come.

When I first heard of your little company, you sold leggings, two or three types of skirts, and a handful of shirts and dresses. There were a couple thousand "independent retailers" that sold your stuff. You seemed like you were a reputable, strong, smart company.

But then, something happened. Did y'all forget to take your meds or somethin'? 

Now you launch new styles on the daily. Hell, you even have "shoes" now. (Did you see what I did there with the quotation marks? That was on purpose. I mean, yes. I guess they're to be worn on the feet but they're not exactly shoes.)

I hate to tell you this, but there is a certain number of women on this planet. Most women have two arms, two legs, two feet and an abdomen. We only have a certain number of articles of clothing needed. Clothes are not a consumable product. (Well, they shouldn't be. I guess that leggings that dissolve on the body could be considered consumable.)

You have gone and lost your eye-lined, lacy, mismatched, layered, LuLaSuited minds if you think that your current business model makes sense. You're polluting this planet with your insanity. Just like Herbalife, your stuff is about to sit in warehouses and garages, left to rot.

And I want to personally thank you for the ideas that the future inhabitants of this earth will think about our sense of style. If any of your articles of clothing are found someday by a future race, they're gonna wonder what in the hell we were all thinking when we chose to wear vaginas and Doritos on our clothing!

Just kidding on that last part- LLR clothing doesn't last past a few wears and a wash. No chance in hell that a future civilization will see this shit... but, nevertheless, it was funny. 

Please. Stop. Polluting. This. Planet.

LLR follows H&L in name change: Now to be known as Hole-y Hell

When H&L changed their name to "Piphany", I heard a collective gasp that reverberated across all of Facebook. However, this name change was no surprise.

When LLR launched their newest holiday capsules, they found it appropriate to use the comical drawings of their leaders as prints and patterns. Way to go, LLR. At least you can say that you didn't steal these designs from someone! Y'all clearly made these designs up. Clearly.

Supposedly there are women who are standing in lines a mile long to get tees/leggings with the head designer's face on them. What customers would want that?? The answer is simple: NONE. Zip. Zilch. No customer would ever want a print like that. So, who would? Your "retailers". Inadvertently, LLR (aka Hole-y Hell) showed their ass by creating these designs.

They're marketing ONLY to their consultants with these prints.
They have rules that state that a shit-ton of articles of clothing must be purchased in order to be bonus-eligible.
So... they're telling these ladies that they MUST purchase these items if they wanna make money while also acknowledging that this shit won't sell at MAP because no consultant with half a brain would pay even wholesale pricing for this garb (short for garbage).

Plus, their new rules state that no items of clothing that are purchased in a capsule can be returned to the company, even for a partial refund. When you also note all the posts that are floating around that state that all non-capsule items are either sold out or basically impossible to order, then you see yet another conundrum. They're screwing you over, ladies. Please, please, please stop buying this crap. Your customers have basically stopped. Why haven't you?

Additional possible name changes also included Narcissist Accouterments, Scheming Pyramids, and even Name That Stolen Design.

Seriously: No. They didn't change their name. Yet (insert conspiratorial wink emoji here).

So... what's with all the vaginas, anyway?

I remember where I was standing the first time I heard of the now infamous LuLaRoe brand.

I was at a vendor event and my trusted, closest friend said, "LLR is here! Have you ever felt how soft their leggings are?" I then turned and walked my happy ass over to the lady who proceeded to make $100 bucks (minimum) off of me. Their prints were unique and I loved their use of colors and designs. Months later, however, I was stuck with a question that seemed to play over and over in my mind: What the hell is with all these vaginas?

Seriously. You're a company made of women, run by women, selling to women. We know a vagina when we see one. (Yes. We all know that there are some LuLaBros and a certain "chemist"- but he is a douche-canoe so none of these "men" count.) 

You have vaginas with chihuahuas coming out of them, flowered vaginas, hairy (looking) vaginas, and vaginas of all shapes, depicted on your clothing. And... because your leggings are so defective, women who wear your leggings run the risk of exposing their vaginas!

To take it one step further... y'all have a shit-ton of Doritos on your stuff, too. Why?

I thought you guys were in the business of making people money. Aren't you supposed to be designing items that are easy to sell so that your underlings can make "full-time money for part-time work"? Aren't you all about love and blessing people?

I got news for you: I want to be blessed with far more than vaginas and Doritos. I want to be blessed with seeing posts about people getting their refunds. I want to see fewer posts about women losing everything because y'all sent them box after box of crap that you KNEW would never sell. 

Want to bless people? Bless them with making your own designs and stop stealing art.   There are thousands of us who have now honed the art of looking at an article of your clothing and instantly knowing whether or not y'all truly designed it or if we should reverse-image-Google-search that shit to see who the real artist is. And, how do we know? Because your designs contain vaginas and Doritos. It's a simple process to narrow it all down.  

I don't need to wear vaginas on my legs. I don't want my vagina to pop out because of a defective/ripped/torn pair of leggings. I don't want to see any more women going bankrupt because of your vagina obsession either. So, please get your shit together.